U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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