I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
