yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
