Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
