Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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