we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
This show inspires me to have sex in space
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
