just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
