I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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