My liver just broke up with me...
you traded sex for a burrito?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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