god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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