YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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