yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
