Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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