I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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