I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
