he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
