dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
