just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
FUCK WHALES
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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