so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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