Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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