Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
