just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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