i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
