last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
