I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
