I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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