last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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