He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
