Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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