I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm always down for nudity.
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