I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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