I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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