She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
