Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
