I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
