rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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