You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
