sorry about calling you the devil all night.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Im part way to drunk.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
