Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
