We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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