Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
