I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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