Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
