I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
