Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
