i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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