dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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