i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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