I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
