idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
