The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
