My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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