respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
