Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
