I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
