And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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