My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
