I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
