Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize