Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
