Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
