so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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